The Home of Baltimore's BettyButterflyBBBW

So much to say...so little space!

Name:
Location: Fort Worth, Texas, United States

I am a Big, Beautiful, Intelligent, Black, Young Lady from Northwest Baltimore. I am a Harmonic Refined Daughter of the King and a combination Betty and Butterfly BAP. I debuted with Baltimore County Alumnae Chapter of Delta Sigma Theta Sorority, Inc. in Novemeber, 2005. Also, an Aries and Dragon. Currently a freshwoman at the Texas Christian University. GO FROGS!

Monday, September 11, 2006

Life

I have not been here in a minute! Some much has happened since I last blogged here. I am currently in Fort Worth, Texas attending Texas Christian University. And so many not so great things are happening:
I had to have a place to write all of this down. I opened my mail today and I read a letter from my mother stating that she has no money, no food and that the Section 8 is being terminated as of September 30th. She says that I was trying escape a bad sitiuation (which I was), and that her only problem is money. She implies that I do not care about what she has been through lately. I then called her and she was on her way to the housing office to drop off some papers and was going to Social Services to see if she could get some emergency assistance, because she has not eaten. I transferred $16.50 to her credit union account on Saturday morning and she said that there was only $15 in the account when she went to make a withdrawl. I called the credit union and they told me that she had to call to see what money was taken out of her account. I hope that the other $33 that I transferred a week ago went through to her and not to the credit union. I immediately got on the phone and called cousin Inez, Godmother and my father. He called her cell phone and left a message on her voicemail. She then calls me and asks me "What did you do?" Godmother told me to give my father her work number and to come by to pick up some money from her at work. Godmother even said that she would try to get Mommy a job. I told my mother that I am doing all that I can to get her help and that I called my father because he has a car and could at least take her to the store or drop off groceries or something. I understand being self-suffecient and wanting to work things out on one's own, but even for me and for Mommy, there comes a time when you have got to ask for help. I rememberonce, Erica told me, "You need to let people help you." I am a firm believer in helping myself and not depending on others for help, but I noticed when Mommy got with Lloyd and he paid the bills, my tuition, food, cell phone, she sort of just stopped doing stuff. Then when his stuff ran out and he died, I had a job and picked up most of the slack. The difference between me and Lloyd is that I do not work as much or make nearly as much money as he did and I do not have a pension like he did. I basically live paycheck to paycheck, like so many other people. I was trying to hold on to the money in my savings account because that is really all that I have saved up period. If I need to handle something immediately, I have some money in my checking account, but it is only September 11th. I still have until December 15th and I do not make as much at this job as I was at the Little School. I do not understand why it is that I work as hard as I can in school and at my job, so that I can make my mother and others who have supported me proud and that I could have my own, so that my mother would not have to take care of me any more and yet, God still allows shit like this to continue to happen to my mother and me. The more I pray, the less money we have and the more problems we have. I know that as a Christian, things are not going to be easy, but why let things get better for a week or a month or six months and then it is back to worse than where you were before? The more I cry out to the Lord and ask for help and ask him to Bless my mother and her situation and to bless me, the less of a response I get. I have such a headache right now and I do not want to eat because my mother is 1400 miles away from me and dpes not have anything to eat. I missed my Religion class because I would not be able to concentrate on anything with this on my mind. I am tired of telling Rev. Wainwright about my problems. People have their own problems. I am tried of talking about it because I am sick of it being an issue. I want to be here and know that my mother is safe and sound and not hungry and is able to go to the Real Estate office and church or wherever else she wants to go and I do not have to worry myself over money. I have a lot to deal with here at TCU and I need to focus on school, so that I can get my degree and so that I will not have these issues EVER. I hate the fact that it sems that after Grandma died, my mother just gave up. I have never seen such a strong person so vunerable. I can only do so much here and even if I were home, there would be even less that I could do.